reality_watcher

I have worked in probation for about 10 years. Although some days might be boring, most prove to be interesting, or at the very least, include moments of entertainment. Some probationers spend so much time and energy trying to “get away” with something that if they focused some of that creativity on making legitimate money, they would be successful entrepreneurs. (Well, some are, but not in the legal sense.)

Here are 5 of my favorite stories where probationers tried to cheat the drug-screening system.

Probationer is waiting for a drug screen. He can’t go. He says he has to go outside to tell his ride he will be a while. He comes back in about 5 or 6 minutes later and says he is ready to go. He comes into the hallway and I notice that his pant leg is turning dark from the crotch down. I look down and then at him and ask (knowing full well what he has done), “what is that?” At which time he tries to convince me he had to go so bad that he wet in his pants.

“Do we look stupid?” I ask. He is smart enough to let that one go. Turns out he had gone outside and had his sister-in-law go to the business next door and pee in a small cup they had in the car and he tried to balance it in his jean pant leg hoping no one would notice. Mind you, a male officer accompanies male probationers in the restroom to insure the integrity of the drug screen so I don’t know how he intended to pull that one off if he had made it that far.

This gets even worse. His cup is emptied, he gives a real urine sample which is, of course, positive. He is questioned about the deception and his sister-in-law is questioned and they both had made a predetermined decision that if he got caught, they would say that his brother and her husband was the one that provided the urine before they ever left the house. Another officer had witnessed this female going next door and coming out a few minutes later and when presented with this information, both break down and admit to the real deception. The probationer is arrested and transported to the local sheriff’s department with someone else’s urine on his leg, no doubt drying and sticky.

Probationer gets popped for random drug screen. He tests positive for Cocaine. His officer asks him about his dirty screen and the subject says he didn’t mean to use but a cop came into the store where he was selling rocks and he got scared and swallowed them. Bad cop.

Probationer tests positive for Cocaine. Subject swears she had not used, “I gave my old man oral sex. He might have used and gave it to me that way.” TMI and no way.

This one has happened a few times. Probationer is giving a drug screen. The screen reeks of bleach. When asked about it, subject admits to having drunk bleach to alter his screen. People please pay attention… if you decide to do something stupid like try and use bleach to cover up your drug screen you DO NOT DRINK IT. It is put on the fingernails and the urine runs over it to change the chemical balance. The smell will give you away anyway but don’t add another harmful chemical to your body by ingesting bleach!

Here is my favorite. Every heard of the whizzinator? Yes there is such a thing. It is a prosthetic penis used for faking out drug screens. Do a search. I won’t make it easy for you and give you all the details. But I will give you some advise: use same race prosthetic. I can still hear our officer laughing as he came out of the restroom where he had just busted a guy for using a whizzinator. This was the easiest whizzinator catch by far. The probationer was white and his prosthetic was so not.

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